CV Subhash
1990 Prasanthi Nilayam

I was on my way to Parthi, driving the last lap of the journey. As I crossed the Sri Sathya Sai Taluka arch, I could not control my tears. There was a time I would be in a hurry to reach Prasanthi Nilayam to be with Swami for His Darshan, Sparshan and Sambhashan. He has blessed me on almost every trip. And I believe that over the past five and more years, I moved up the spiritual ladder through His grace.

But I feel the connection was purely at the physical level. I have never been a man of letters. As such, reading and intellectual evaluation of spirituality was never my forte. Yes, as a teenager with a communist, rationalist bent of mind, I had different views of spirituality, religion and rituals. But, once connected to Bhagawan, simple devotion was the sole connection. I was inspired by the disciples of earlier Masters – the Vanaras of Lord Rama, the Gopikas of Lord Krishna, and the illiterate followers of Jesus. Loving devotion was my Sadhana. When you have God as your Sadguru, even liberation is not your botheration. It is His.

During PremaBandham 2011 I was at the Lotus Feet to usher in the New Year. I was blessed to be with the Lord on the stage at Kulwant Hall and held His divine hands when He cut the cake! On January 3, He invited us all into the Bhajan hall.

We had Swami exclusively like the good old days, when I studied at His Institute of Higher Learning. During that interaction, Swami asked me twice, “Are you ready?” I did not understand what He was referring to, but my immediate response was “Yes Swami!”

Few months later we all heard the news of Swami’s hospitalization. Along with the global community, we all prayed. We had prayer sessions every day. We were sure that we just needed to pray and the intensity will force Him to cure Himself. Moreover, He was just 85 years old and at least 11 years were left for the final Golden Age of the Avatar!

But we were wrong. Man proposes, God disposes. Mysterious are the ways of the Lord.

When the news of Mahasamadhi reached early morning on a fateful April day, it was impossible to accept. I was very sure there was some error. It probably was one of those out-of-body trips Swami used to make during His ‘younger’ years. Or, like ShirdiSai, He would just get up giving infinite joy to all. But that was not to be. In the privacy of a bathroom, I wept uncontrollably. No words can capture the sense of loss… The loss was complete. Swami, who was just everything for me, no longer will be at Puttaparthi, at the physical level.

I had many questions. Why did he choose to exit ’11 years’ ahead? It was then that Swami’s question, “Are you ready?” struck me. I was surely not ‘ready’ for a world without Swami. A day before His Mahasamadhi, Swami appeared in my dream – He was standing in Super Specialty hospital and waving at me!

I came to Swami, as a 22-year-old student of His college, full of skepticism and doubts. But, in no time He turned my world around. It has been a beautiful journey since then. He has been with me, always. Everything in life centered on Him. He became the fulcrum of my life. But, all along the attachment to the physical form only grew stronger. Swami’s advice to go from “interview to inner-view” was conveniently ignored, only to haunt me in April 2011. But, with Swami’s grace and love, I have been able to move ahead. The journey within has been a new experience.

Brother Subhas is based out of Bangalore. He is a certified Life Coach. He is involved in alumni activities in Brindavan. A gifted orator, during his student days he was involved in Vedam.