Anshuman Das
2006 Prasanthi Nilayam

“Gold that adorns was once molten, the majestic sword was once beaten in fire, the statue now worshipped was once chiselled, and the magnificent diamond once laid deep underground for a million years.

For the process that refines, defines in the end.

For what use is that faith which hasn’t been tested when tossed into seas of doubts,

For what use is belief that is not befriended by conviction?”

I am aware that a page is not enough to express anything significant about what He means to me. Yet I write. Not for an audience, not to suggest or advice, but this process of writing sanctifies me. My journey starts off as a 7-year old when I was ‘pointed and told’ that He is God. My mind was pure, unassuming and I accepted it. I didn’t argue, debate or analyze. In fact, I wasn’t capable of doing any such thing at that age. He was a parent to me. And I loved Him. He fed me ice creams and chocolates. He taught me valuable lessons. He forgave my shortcomings. He was charming, gentle and I seemed to having a blissful life. But as I grew older, my mind grew too. I could analyze things that I couldn’t earlier. Innocence was hard to come by. The world changed quickly and so did many things in and around me. But I was protected. Or at least I felt so. I felt my mind was protected. I suppressed my doubts but they grew with each day. And I was left confused.

He is my parent and I loved Him, but I didn’t understand many things He said. Things about life. Things about the spirit. His discourses seemed a very difficult subject with occasional humour or stories that I understood. He waved into the air and drew circles, which I failed to understand. He suddenly seemed like a deep mystery to me. And then I had more doubts. More questions. I was taught science at school and told not to believe. Not by my teachers, but by science himself. I was encouraged to question. In short, I was left confused…

All this time, for some reason, I knew that He knew everything I thought, I did. It was like an instinct. So I looked for answers when I saw Him. I thought those circles He drew in the air had some message for me. I looked for answers in books, in science, in logic. I got none.

A long time went by going through this. I was 21 now. This time music brought me close to Him. He was my inspiration. He still is. He had a sweet voice. He taught me that true music came when the musician wasn’t different from his music. It made sense to me. I performed better if I let Him play through me. It taught me to surrender. It worked. The moment I had a thought of ego, I missed a note. And He acknowledged. I was beginning to get some answers now. But only just. He was a reflection of what I thought. He knew everything about me but pretended. He forgave because He loved me. I felt what it is to be loved without conditions and reasons.

Those discourses made more meaning. He once said, “Tell yourself that you are a man, not an animal.” Remind yourself. When my mind got cluttered, restless, thoughts weird and terrible flashed like lightning before a dreadful rain, I said this to myself. I screamed from within and I worked. It instilled in me that what He said was wonderful. I got confidence to tackle the illusions that accompanied Him. I know for sure that this entire life would go by and I wouldn’t understand a fraction of what He wanted to convey. But knowing that He loved me and wanted me to be a better person makes me feel special. In my journey of discovery, I have come a long way from a confused mind to better understanding of what He meant, why He did, what He did. It is important to befriend myself with my mind and heart. They are in conflict often. I want my mind to be convinced like my heart. My doubts weren’t unjustified. They served as milestones in this journey. And I have gone past many of them. No one can change that. He gave me glimpses through His words, His love, through incidents and events, through unspoken gestures. I don’t need to prove it to anyone. The way I feel about Him. He is my Hero, my King, someone I want to be. I feel honoured to have known Him, to have sung for Him. For life is best lived in music.

I cannot guarantee that I will not have doubts. But I will not succumb, I will fight then with love and I will get answers. Just like the skies open after a thunderstorm, like raindrops soothe the parched lips of a stranded sailor, like a calm after tides and tempests… I know!

Brother Anshuman Das is based in Boston USA and works as postdoctoral associate in Massachusetts Institute of Technology. He joined in Bhagawan’s Primary school and went on to complete his post graduation in Physics. He is a music lover, a keyboard & harmonium player and has been blessed by Swami to play and sing before Him on numerous occasions.