Aravind B
2007 Prasanthi Nilayam

The story begins from my school days. I was a person who would get attached to people very fast. If anybody was nice to me and shared their affections with me, I would grow very fond of them. This trait of mine was nourished and nurtured by many friendships that I made. I was fiercely possessive about my friends and very loyal to them too. And I had many circles of friendship, with a select few in the innermost one – for whom I would be ready to do anything! Though a friend would enter my life from the outermost circle, with a little understanding, empathy, affection and kindness, he would be able to work the way through to the innermost circles.

However, this was also the seedbed for growing expectations. I would visit a sick friend and tend to him for long. But I would expect the same treatment when I was sick, but that would not happen. I would work extra hard to make special cards for my friends’ birthdays, but I did not receive such special cards from them! (You get the idea right?)

So, as I would sleep at night, I would cry over why these friends were not responding to the love and affection in my heart. Little did I know then that intertwined along with the purity of my love were the dreadful strings of attachment also.

The trip to Puttaparthi – A hope beckons

I wrote a letter to Swami about how each and every friend of mine had failed me and how desperately I wanted His help, strength and understanding from within to deal with this. I cried bitter tears as I wrote that letter and I asked Swami as to why love was never appreciated in the world. (The mind goes into such foolish assumptions very quickly. It makes one feel that one is being very noble in love. It makes attachment, infatuation and the burden of expectations to be confused as love.)

On 5 January we travelled from Brindavan to Prasanthi Nilayam for the Sports Meet. Even at Puttaparthi, my pain from unrequited ‘love’ continued and I got no solace from Swami – no letter-acceptance, no smile, no pat on the head, no consoling words. The Sports Meet concluded on 11th and the 14th was prize distribution. I wrote a fresh letter because I was sure that when I went on stage to pick up the winners’ shield for the Debate competition, I would get a chance to hand over the letter to Him. Frankly speaking, I was most eager about being able to give this letter and do away with a terrible problem in my life – more than about receiving a shield from Him. I wanted a ‘shield’ of another kind.

But on the 14January 2002, as I went up to Him with my fellow-participant to take the shield, I did not even get a look of recognition. Of course, Swami presented us the shield and posed with us for a photograph. But He did not pat me on my back nor take my letter. Nor did He give me a reassuring smile. To add pain to this, He patted the other’s shoulder! I returned to my place with great sorrow in my heart – a sorrow that I could share with none for none would understand, even Swami (or so I thought).

Divine Love and Light

The next day we started back to Bangalore and I was in a state of complete sadness. The feeling of being a ‘victim’ of unrequited love was enhanced by Swami’s apparent indifference to what I was going through. I wondered as to when I would get the next chance to convey to Him what I felt and give Him my letter. We reached our destination and it was with a certain amount of dread that I faced the prospect of another night without a solution. My damned attachment was so strong that I could not even restrain myself from going and chatting with my friends. I decided that this night I would not go anywhere. I would simply go to bed.

I again prayed to Swami to help me love the way He loves. And in an instant, a magical and totally unexpected thing happened.

I was summoned to the warden’s office or ‘the den’ as we used to call it. Sri BN Narasimhamoorthy was the warden, a man who commanded great awe and respect. I entered the office and the first statement he told me, simply swept me off my feet, “Swami wants you to sleep every night in His residence, Trayee Brindavan. This means you will have to go in by 8:00pm till next day morning 5:00am. Are you ready?”

What was I to say?

He continued, “Swami said that some students should sleep in TrayeeBrindavan for security(!). He personally picked the boys and you are one among them. Get your bedding and shift to TrayeeBrindavan.”

This was a boon from the highest heavens. And adding to that boon was the next statement,

“You will continue to sleep there even when Swami is in Brindavan.” Sleeping one floor below Swami’s bedroom! What a boon!

Seeking God’s love alone is the solution

As I lay on the bed looking at the balcony from which Swami gives Darshan after every Trayee session, I was simply lost. My mind was blank and heart was rejoicing. In a single moment, Swami had solved my ‘friendship’ problems! I was not connected to Him so strongly that the other attachments felt weak and loose.

I realized that throughout my life, whenever I ‘liked’ a person or ‘loved’ a person, it was because of some nice feelings and thoughts that the person evoked in me. It was because he gave me love and affection of some kind. What I failed to see was that this love was God’s love coming to me through a particular person. Instead of getting attached to the love, I got attached to the person. Oh! What a mistake it is to give importance to the conduits of love rather than to love itself? It is like licking with parched tongues on a dry pipe allowing water to gently gurgle out of another pipe nearby. Is the water more important or the pipe?

And thus, the difference between infatuation and love boils down to what I seek. When I seek love, for it is my default mode to do so, it is fine. But when I seek the form, the body or the object through which I feel I can experience love, it becomes infatuation. One is then unable to let go of that object of love even if loves ceases to flow from it! The irony is that there is always an abundance of love for any seeker of love. One just has to make sure that it is love that one is seeking and not its container.

I prayed and I continue to make that prayer even today, “Swami, let my love for You and thirst for Your love grow stronger each passing moment.”

Brother Aravind Balasubramanya is a video editor and content manager at Radio Sai Global Harmony. He is an avid blogger and has written a book – The Memoirs of a Sai Student in 2013. During his college days he was actively involved in debates, public speaking & dramatics. He also won badminton championships during his college days.